Uberhicks
Hicks are a strange species of the human race that you may have encountered at one time or another during your existence here on earth. Now, you can't generalize all hicks. There are degrees of hickness that you might be unaware of. Not all hicks are alike. Below is a chart that categorizes the hicks so you understand what you are up against when you come in contact with such creatures.
The Scientific Chart of Hickness Degree
By: Dr. Courtney
Dekahick: The most basic of hicks. The dekahicks is the most tame and domesticated species of hicks. You can identify them from the ever-present scent of alcohol and/or cigarettes. Their teeth are usually a shade of yellow or brown. The physical characteristics are not quite as noticeable as in the more severe levels of hickness. Dekahick's speech is completely identifiable by the way they add syllables to words. For example the word "can" becomes "cay-an", and the work "like" becomes "ly-eek". Conversation with a dekahick is quite possible since their form of speech isn't too distorted.
Megahick: These hicks support all the characteristics of a dekahick, but take on a few more physical manifestations. The megahick males normally have an unshaven face, long sideburns, and a mullet. Female megahicks look much, much older than their actual age. Their smoking habits, which you can smell, have taken a toll on their faces and give off the appearance of an older hick. The females' hair is usually long, bleached, dry, and resembles straw. The megahick takes on a few more identifying traits. Any and all words with "oil" in them are mispronounced. Example, the work "foil" becomes "foral", and the word boil becomes "boral". Also, words with double e's are also butchered. "Creek" becomes "crik", "street" becomes "strit", and "feet" becomes "fit".
Uberhick: Now, these hicks can be quite difficult to handle. Unless you are a person of such high physical, mental, and emotional caliber, which very few are, I would suggest that you avoid uberhicks at all costs. Do whatever you need to, to remove yourself from the vicinity where one is located. Uberhicks are completely uneducated, and have no thoughts of any kind, yet are surprisingly capable of operating any tractor. They act only on instinct and natural genetic instruction. They are completely unaware of their surroundings, physical appearance, or others. They are absolutely, unsophisticated bumpkins who you couldn't carry on an intelligent conversation with if your life depended on it. Uberhicks are armed at all times; they have a particular affinity for the shotgun. Uberhicks are extremely dangerous and you do not want to get too close to one.
posted by Courtney at
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
9 comment(s):
Another common trait of the dekhicks on up to uberhicks are tattoos.
The women have those ones on their lower backs just above the lowrise jeans, and the men are covered with them.
By
Jamie Dawn, at
Wed Aug 31, 07:05:00 PM 2005
people without tattoos like to say that people with tattoos are hicks. in the meantime I've never heard someone with tattoos call others hicks just because those had no tattoos. how funny it is?
By
fluff, at
Thu Sep 01, 02:11:00 PM 2005
You've been to my hometown doing research, haven't you?
LOL!
Very clever darlin'!
By
Marti, at
Fri Sep 02, 04:59:00 AM 2005
AHG! I'm an Uberhick. Well I'm an Uberhick with two exceptions. As opposed to trackters I'm good with computers and I am never armed. Otherwise I think I just might fit the bill. I shall now retire to my private corner and cry at the cruel turn that life has tossed me.
By
Lesser_Lumpkin, at
Fri Sep 02, 05:31:00 AM 2005
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
Lesser_Lumpkin, at
Fri Sep 02, 06:27:00 PM 2005
Courtney - Thank you both for stopping by and also for your kind words. It is always nice to get encouragement.
The Beast, my dear girl, is my daughter, to put it planely. LumpysOddyssey is a very very tongue in cheek look at my experiences as a first time father. Not everything is factual there is a fair amount of fiction thrown into the mix but the crux of the blog and some of my prefered posts have come largely out of my life.
In real life my wife is a charming, others centered women who suffers from a bit of depression and is a germ-a-phobe. My gorgeouse 4 month old daughter is the one thing in the whole world that can cheer me up when I've had a bad day and I am infact more often the antagonist than the protaganist. But with a little imagination I'm turning the whole world on its head ;)
Was that long enough? I'll bet you are sorry you asked now. Keep up the great writing by the way. I'm sure you've guessed but I check in on a regular basis.
The Lumpy
By
Lesser_Lumpkin, at
Fri Sep 02, 06:28:00 PM 2005
Hi, Courtney! I am Hippolyta, AKA wife of the Lumpy. He had mentioned yours and a few other blogs he really enjoys, so I decided to check it out. Your comments on hicks definitely ring true. My family are defititely uberhicks. I am the black sheep of the family. An ubersnob, which is no doubt much worse.
By
Hippolyta, at
Tue Sep 06, 11:27:00 AM 2005
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costa rica, at
Tue Mar 06, 03:27:00 PM 2007
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By
Martin Hank, at
Wed May 06, 09:56:00 AM 2009
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